2019 was a bitch. I hate to say it that way, but there is just no other way. I’ve never been one to focus on milestone years as significant life-changing years or think I needed to do certain things by a certain age. But reflecting on me being 30 and I’m wondering if this is really a thing. I was so excited to turn 30. Ushered in the year with a fantastic photoshoot, surrounded by amazing people, had a great dinner with even better people, pics with Santa, drinks afterward, and the night ended with an impromptu dance party in the parking lot. I just knew 2019 was going to be my year. Then a mixture of things went wrong. Shady ass people and friendships. A separation. Lies and deception. Being let down in a big way by my church home and family. All leading to a depression that honestly even a year later, I haven’t been able to shake completely. My panic attacks returned. My anxiety went through the roof to the point that I wouldn’t leave my house for weeks at a time. And even when I started to make moves to do better, the depression and anxiety stayed around. The lack of motivation remained. It was suffocating, and I felt like I was drowning. Constantly. And I feel like it all centered around a loss of identity. I no longer fit into any of the boxes I created for myself.
I started this blog to document what I am using to help me work through all of that. I was reading more, started watching movies and tv again, listening to podcasts, music, and sermons. I was retaking time to pour into me. And I wanted a place to share all of that because I felt like I couldn’t be alone in these feelings and needing things to help me through them. And if I wasn’t the only one, maybe someone else could be helped by what I found helpful. But as I mentioned before, this lack of motivation and the continued depressed state wouldn’t go away. While I do feel like moments have gotten better, I still have some tough days. So what does this mean for me now that I have turned 31 and in 2020? Self-care is always going to be a significant focus. Year of Healthy is all about taking care of me and becoming the healthiest version of myself in all areas of my life. But I also want to make it about others. I think that was the primary thing missing for me last year. Because I was traveling and switching church homes, I was no longer serving in church like before. Because I was dealing with some friendship issues, I became a crappy friend to the ones that were left. And I still suck at consistent communication with my family. All of that needs to change.
As I reflect on the last year of my life and even going back to previous years, I realize that I also need to focus on the good things that have happened. I need to celebrate the moments of overcoming, the joyous occasions, the small stuff. I’ve lost a lot of people in the last ten years that have made it abundantly clear that life is short. People I thought I would have more time with were taken away, and in those moments, I realized that I would give all I have away to get back one second with them. This means the moments that I currently have need to be spent focusing on people and being joyful. I don’t want any regrets. I want to be able to say that every moment was lived to the fullest. Spending time harping on the negative, complaining, and just downright being selfish has done nothing for me but made me feel worst. I understand the need to feel the emotions and acknowledge them, but I don’t have to stay there. I always liked the quote that puts our time into money. It talks about someone taking $10 from your bank account that has $86,400 in it and if you would throw away the $86,390 behind the $10. The answer should always be no, right? But that is what I do each time when I am pissed or frustrated about something that took 10 seconds to happen, and then I spend the rest of the day focused on it. Lord, don’t let me be pissed for multiple days. How much money am I throwing away then?
It’s time for me to take all that I have learned and do a better job of applying it. To become a better person and to help and serve others. To minimize my complaining and maximize my gratitude. I will continue to document that journey here on the blog and my Instagram and Facebook pages. I will continue to be in deep prayer about what God wants my journey to look like and ways that I can serve you here. Thank you for rocking with me these past few months. I pray that you are finding something that can help you.
“For you were called to be free, brothers and sisters; only don’t use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but serve one another through love.” – Galatians 5:13 CSB
Check out some of my favorite posts from last year:
Book Review: Letters to the Church
2020 Word of the Year: Healthy