I first want to start by repenting if I was ever a person...
I’ve never been one to look too deep into age or set specific goals based on how old I was. But something about age 30 triggered a shift and opened my eyes. I had most of the things I should have wanted: married, my own house, my own business, great family relationships, established friendships. But I was miserable. I knew why, and there were some significant events and rocky times of the past few years of my life that lead to this feeling, and I knew a change was needed. After trying so many things to bring me happiness, I realized it was all so temporary, and I walked away from everything. After a particularly bad episode, I got in my car and drove for almost 7 hours away from the life I spent the past 3-4 years curating.
It took me a month of going through all my feelings and emotions before I started to think about what I wanted from my life. I realized that some of what made me, me, had been long forgotten to please and take care of others. And even when I tried to bring some things back into my life, it was always put on the back burner. Things I wanted to do was discouraged by others, or I was so paralyzed with fear with what others would think. I didn’t feel good enough…qualified enough…smart enough. I could give myself a mean pep talk, but it wasn’t reaching my heart and just remained surface level.
I started to think back on my life to find what it was that I actually enjoyed. What goals did I have for myself that wasn’t influenced by others? What did I love to do before my husband offered his opinion? Before friends gave their input? Before my parents spoke ideas over me? It took a lot of digging and spending time with God. He would bring back to my memory times when I wanted to just run away with an endless supply of books. Or when I would lock myself in my room and just read for hours at a time. I had stopped reading for me and could probably count on one hand the number of books I actually finished. Something that I have loved doing since before I could remember. I even set a 2018 goal not to buy any more books! I don’t even understand how or why this happened.
So I picked my books back up and started to fall in love with reading again mostly because I remembered how reading was a getaway for me. A hideaway really. I ended up reading 90 plus books in 3 months’ time thanks to free book options on the eBook apps. Most were romances, and I probably couldn’t tell you a thing about them. But they did the trick of reminding me of my love for books.
I decided at that time, to use this Sabbatical to get back to reading books for my love of learning, for fun, and to reflect. In addition to books, I searched for free classes available online. Most importantly, I opened my Bible and started reading and studying like never before. I truly believe God used my time with
Him and my obedience to continue to open my eyes and hear better from Him. I slowed down with the additional resources and started to dissect and apply them to my life. What could I learn from this book? What was this class showing me about God? What could I share from this conference to help others? Then it clicked for me. I still loved helping others and sharing information.
That’s what bought back the idea of my blog. The blog I created in 2016 but was too scared to do anything with. The blog I put on the backburner in 2017 because a friend shared their dream of blogging, and I didn’t want to step on any toes. The blog I hid in 2018 because I wasn’t the blogger, I was the organizer. The blog in 2019 that is no longer hiding, under a shadow or empty, because I will use it to share with you what I’m reading, what I’m learning and how I’m using it all to get back to me.